I fell flat on my face in April. This was a bigger bruising for my ego than my body (given the fact that I bruised my ribs and my right knee twice makes it a big feat). The worst part of it was that I landed back in pain land. I didn’t choose to go there. It just happened.
I have lived in pain land for many many many years. More than I care to remember. Ever since I a car launched me from my moped in 1989, I have lived there. It is a horrible land, filled with seeking distractions in tv and games, and living each day as unremarkable as possible.
Pain land tends to be seductive and it likes to think of itself as a place where I can forget I have pain. The thing is, if I live in it, a bigger pain takes its place. It tries to mask it showing me the distraction that rewatching The Big Bang Theory can be for me, but it still shows through the cracks.
When I live in pain land, I mostly don’t create. I just veg out.
I was born to create, so you might guess what happens next.
I have been frightfully depressed during the first months after the fall. I have had some highlights as I created some new artwork that just rocks my world, but mostly, there was nothing. No words, no blog posts, no art, hardly any photography. Just plain old blah.
And yet, it has been a healing time for me. Last week I told my husband I am deeply, deeply afraid of being myself. When he asked why, the scared 8-year-old in me answered, “I am so afraid of being weird. When I am weird I will get bullied.”
Hearing that voice in the foreground for the first time made me realize how much my life has been ruled by her.
It is time to be me in all my glorious weirdness.
It is time to fill the world with Sylly-ness again. The first step is this. Showing up behind the keyboard to write a blog post. After this. Who knows.
There might be a novel in me, waiting to be written. Old projects suddenly calling my name. My path is an adventure and I am gladly hopping on it!