Shining my light (while feeling shitty)

stream of consciousness - projecting the good

Before I head into this post, I just wanted to say that I’m going to write whatever comes to mind, and I won’t edit other than for spelling errors.

This is the kind of stream-of-consciousness blog post I need to write for myself, today. I want to figure out for myself why shining my light is so important to me. And I hope that within this, you may find something that you need to read.

I haven’t written a lot on my blog this year. In fact, this has to be one of the “lightest” blogging years since I first started to blog over 10 years ago.

I was thinking about it this morning, and I realised something. For the longest time, I’ve wanted to be a force for good, a light to the world.

Given that this past year, especially since a certain virus took hold on the world, I’ve been mostly very dark in my feelings and in world view, it’s no wonder not many blog posts appeared.

But something has changed. I’m sitting here feeling miserable and overwhelmed and in pain, and I feel the need to write.

Because projecting good into the world isn’t the only thing I want to do anymore. I want to keep sharing my light, no doubt about that, but I want to show that I share my light despite everything that’s going on with me.

Right now, I’m recovering from a bad day. Won’t delve into the WHY of that suckiness, but I do want to share this: bad days make me want to make the world a better place even more.

I don’t know why I feel that strong urge to share the good. I mean, I know that I get way more responses and likes on social media posts when I share the crap that’s going on in my life, physically and mentally.

I know that if I’m more open on what I’m going through and about the shitty things that happened to me in the past, I could probably be very successful.

But I wouldn’t be me.

When I think back to my early childhood, I see a ray of sunshine. I see myself as I was in a picture, standing in a park smelling the roses. I know that I was bullied during the time period the picture was taken in.

Yet all I see in that picture is me, shining my light.

And I’m thinking about someone who was in my mind this morning.

I met her on Facebook, years ago. She always talked about how her life sucked, and how she drained me from all my energy in the process. I once asked her to stop responding with all her negativity to a simple, “How are you?” and she just couldn’t.

I eventually couldn’t hang around with her anymore. It just drained me of all my energy to be around her. Energy I desperately needed to deal with my own baggage.

I could easily be that person. I could easily sink into that. There are enough reasons for me to do so.

And yet, every time I feel the urge to write about that, my light comes through and begs to be out there. Tiny poems trickle through and want a place in the world. It happens because that’s the real me.

And I’m ever so grateful that despite the physical and mental challenges, I STILL get to write, to create, to dream up things.

And maybe that is why I need to keep writing these stream of consciousness blog posts, just to write myself back to my centre.

shining my light, a realisation

I was feeling miserable at the start of this post, and in a way, I still do. I still have a flare up of chronic pain, I’m still weighed down by so many negative thoughts about COVID and our response to it. I’m still mad at what happened at the dentist yesterday, and I still have a hum of worry plaguing my brain.

My light shines despite of all that. My light shines through the weight of my pain.

And maybe that is why I should sit down to write a blog post or an instagram post just to bring myself back to the light again.

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